“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
You Might Also Like
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Obama: Who were you talking to before he came here for the meeting?
Biden: Young Metro.
Obama: Why did you call-
Biden: Shhh. I got this.
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Saw your ex at the shops
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.