Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
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Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
*I accidentally fall onto my computer and it logs me into Facebook* crap
*I try to get up but fall again and it causes me to type in my ex’s name* dangit
*I fall yet again and comment “your baby looks cross-eyed” on his album* oh shoot
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
i thought lingerie was a type of noodle
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans