Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
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I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
Camping tip: No.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Why are bridges so flammable.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Follow your dreams. Search through your dreams mail. Show up drunk on your dreams doorstep. Kidnap your dreams. Never let your dreams go.