School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
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First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
Bike is short for Bichael.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Okay
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.