[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
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Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Christ it is annoying when my parents need help on their failing farm. I always get there and theres a hunk with a toolbox whos like “I’m helping your parents now, with my tools” and I’m like “get out of here!” and then we do end up falling into a marriage. every spring with this
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
#SaturdayBears
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn