me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
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7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
How many boats could Lisa Kudrow row if Lisa Kudrow could row boats?
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”