An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
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one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
A Match(.com), but for socks.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone