when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
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How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes
kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
HER: We need to talk.
ME: No one actually NEEDS to talk.
HER: …
ME: I assume we need to talk longer now.
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.