Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
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10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
[phone call]
KIDNAPPER: We’re gonna kill your wife if you don’t pay
ME: *making wind noises* I CAN’T HEAR YOU I’M GOING THROUGH A TUNNEL
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone