A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
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There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Before you say you want to be treated like a king or queen, just remember that a lot of them were beheaded.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn