Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
You Might Also Like
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Sing it!
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.