TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
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When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Scar: Now that I’m king, we have new rules. First, if you get sick, don’t take medicine. Just die and let the hyenas eat you. Secondly, no more elections. I’ll let you know if I’m still king. And lastly, if anyone accuses me of something, they should be thrown into a stampede.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.