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Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly