My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
Baseball glove $150. Baseball bat $250.
Uniform $120.
Cleats $100.
Having my son quit in his first week of little league practice … priceless
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
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i spent way too long on this
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on