Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
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The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.