[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
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Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
water it, i dare you
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.