I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
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My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
Teach a man to fish, feed him for a lifetime
Teach an octopus to play drums, change rock music forever
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask