me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
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Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.