the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
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I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Who.
Did.
This?
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
Best thing about drinking in downtown LA is that if u need a bathroom, it’s all around you
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?