No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
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“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
[blind date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a customer service representative.
Me: Cool. Our date is important to me. Please hold. I’ll be back in an hour.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
tinder, huh? back in my day if you wanted a girl to notice you, you had to dress like a gargoyle and cling to the roof of her parents’ home
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.