I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
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You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us
me: I can do it
best friend: thanks man!
[after the wedding]
best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time
me: actually it’s a recorder
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!