The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
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INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Me: I signed my son up for an appointment with a child psyhcologist
Doctor: That’s me
Me: but you’re an adult
Doctor: and a child psychologist
Me: how
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
The two types of wives
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed