I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.