[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
You Might Also Like
Took me too long to realize my family’s support with regard to how many peanuts I could fit in my mouth was a ruse to get me to stop talking
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Me: I was going to but decided I have a headache.
Friend: How do you just “decide” to have a headache?
Me: uh oh now I have a hearing problem.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.