Just remember Mom, you can’t spell “disappointment” without “appointment” which reminds me I have to be at Hooters at 9 for my interview.
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I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
s
oc
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I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread