People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
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How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Baking is just science you can eat.
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
haha same
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Guy: Are you pregnant?
Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.
Guy: …..
Me: Cowabunga, douche!
My wife found out I was cheating when she found the letters I’d been hiding.
She said, she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.