I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
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She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.