#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
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me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake:
God:
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
umm…