I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
You Might Also Like
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
what the hell pray for carter everyone
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Very few people will notice the possum in this picture because they’re so good at hiding
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
this is the news I live for
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!