The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
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Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
lmao
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.