I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
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Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
When you’re here for the treats.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
This is so me 😂😂
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess