I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
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Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.