My front facing camera:
Me: I disagree.
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If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
My brain is a bad influence on me
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
selfie game
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.