🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
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I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
I’m like the Pied Piper, but instead of a flute it’s a little bottle of maple syrup and rather than rats it’s all the lovely Canadians I’m enticing into my ‘candy van’.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Don’t tell me what to do
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
Fries, not lies.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.