I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
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Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
who wants to go expliring
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
And now we wait
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs