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Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Hey! This isn’t my car!
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.