My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
All great Italian chefs smoke. That’s how they time their cooking. For example, spaghetti boils for 1 cigarette.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
me when the borders lift
Bed should get ready for ME
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”