Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
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Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Her : I like you
Me : You鈥檙e mistaken
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Her: What鈥檚 your type?
Me, flirting: I don鈥檛 really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 馃槱馃槏馃槏馃槏
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
I鈥檝e accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?