ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
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Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Okay
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.