No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
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Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
I wanted to do a sexy boudoir photoshoot for my boyfriend, but the radiologist had a totally different agenda
Ah..makes sense now
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
If you’re the last person to leave the office, nobody will judge you when you eat the leftover birthday cake from the trash.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]