Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
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[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
Air pods looking like an angry frog
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there