Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
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Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something