I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
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So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
How to wake up a Beagle
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT