Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
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“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I got free pancakes on International Pancake Day. International Women’s Day is now almost over and I think I like pancake day better.
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Just had a cardio workout peeling an orange.
Cheeseburgers don’t make you work to eat them.
There’s an important lesson here.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
the problem is that the world is filled with an unimaginable amount of pain and suffering but also an unimaginable amount of delight and beauty and we must bear this in our souls at all times but also still find time to like do laundry and go to the grocery store
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos