Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
taking June’s advice to heart
if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.