I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
You Might Also Like
my dog when i have a friend over
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
My dad hates spicy food, but he loves the show Hot Ones, which I imagine he watches like a horror movie. “No! Don’t eat the next wing! It’s a trap!”
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Schrödinger’s cookie
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.