We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
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Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[divorce court]
ME: …and that’s why I am seeking full custody
JUDGE: Again, this court does not decide custody of the “Netflix password”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
beginning a breakup text with “as the situation with the supply chain continues to develop,”
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
It be like that sometimes 😆
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I have so many questions.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.