4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
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I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
My beach vacation Google searches
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.