The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
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A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie