[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
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GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.